Look, I don’t want to talk about grief. Or reality. Or widespread collapse. Or escapism. Or even saccharine remedies. At least not here. I just want to say what I can and leave the rest.
So much has happened since I last wrote you. After my last post (deleted shortly after posting because I felt too raw), my debut got published, and was carried by strong winds of press, reviews and interviews. A reader-driven movement started that hasn’t stopped or slowed since. I had new things to attend to, a fuller plate than I anticipated, and my life changed dramatically. There are doors I let close because I wanted to be paying more attention to others. There are knobs I turned — just me in the dark — that surprised me. I have always wanted to be able to choose how available I am, especially to opportunities other people might consider compulsory for momentum, for recognition, for success. “If I were in your shoes I would…” is a kind of projection I’m used to. I am better now at subverting it, because well… my shoes are mine, and I have no plans to give them up; everyone should find theirs. Around the same time, a parent of mine became ill, other things happened that I cannot talk about until it’s time to. I wrote a second novel that changed not just my mind but also my body. I mean this in great and also frightening ways. On the day I announced, I experienced a jarring health emergency. Then I wrote a third book which you’ll also hear about soon. Somewhere inside all of that, I entered a thick, filling love with my person. Many blessed days have followed; many many magical nights. Victoria’s Secret reached out to me for their World Tour and as part of my work there, I worked in three countries, shared pieces of my process as a maker, was photographed by one of my favorite photographers Carlijn Jacobs, and created a custom monologue for Naomi Campbell which spiralled wonderfully online and in person. When I attended the premiere in New York last September, a new aspect of my life blew wide open. Shortly after, I turned a new decade. I went no contact with a close family member because something had to give. A few months ago, I expanded Vagabonds The World by commissioning artist Mercy Thokozane Minah to create twenty original art pieces and then we released some merch (totes, t-shirts, hoodies, art prints, mugs, stickers, etc) which you can find on instagram: @vagabondstheworld and order via vagabondstheworld@gmail.com. I traveled and traveled and traveled. I lost sleep. Then I slept a lot, drank a lot, read a lot, cried a lot, laughed a lot. I’ve been quiet a lot. I have screamed some, too. God knows what more would have happened if I kept all that inside. I let some out, and parts of my body still ache. Right now, these days, I’m listening to music everyday, and stretching my body more frequently. I’m driving again, and working slowly on new stories.
Anyway, that’s me at the moment. How are you? Where are you? I want to know — however you want to share. In the comments or in another kind of response if you prefer. I’ll appreciate hearing back.
I wasn’t sure how to come back to a space I’ve been quiet in for this long. So late last year, I asked for some questions on Twitter for this post. Then I just kept them in a document. I’m not sure why. Maybe I didn’t feel ready? But I’ve really missed it here, and it’s so encouraging that subscriptions never stopped even when I was silent.
And now, here are a few answers:
What's your favorite thing about life lately and what are you looking forward to? — mattersofdeadra
Lately: spending time with my partner, and just doing our days next to each other. Finding new books I can swim in for hours/days. I also love that life is flexible; that we can make a different choice at any time. Life is surprising and tender and striking and bold and ending. Those are all the things that make the journey so thrilling, even when it is hard. At every turn, there’s even more possibility. And we are free to claim it as many times as we need to.
What I’m looking forward to: 1) More energy, and more time with my friends. I think and know we’re just all so tired, but I miss being more involved in the day to day of each other’s lives. 2) Moving at a more sustainable pace. 3) A calmer mind. I know the next steps I need to take to make this happen, and I pray for the strength to move in their direction.
What’s your favourite flower ? — Osahon
The day I wrote this down, I said: lilies, then roses. Today, I think roses then lilies. But I’m a sucker for vibrant, colorful, thoughtful bouquets. I’ll take a curated bouquet over one shade any day.
tell us something that you’ve learned about yourself recently that you really think is important. — Wendy
Something I’ve learned (about myself) recently is that I don’t even have to be Doing My Best to stop and rest. If I’m at capacity for whatever reason, then that’s enough reason.
Oh also, I can still move my ears.
Do you have a big/or small dream for 2024? How is your relationship with rest travelling these days? What is a simple goodness you want more of? — alsoarit
Big/small dream: I want to go to a country I’ve never been to before. I also want to move my body more in ways that are enjoyable to me. More swimming, more time dancing. Maybe even more than that.
Relationship with rest: It’s moving. Some days are easier than others. But I notice it’s getting less difficult now for me to put everything on hold just to let myself Be. That hasn’t always been easy for me, so I value that so deeply.
Simple goodness: peace.
What are your favourite ways to ground yourself?
Prayer really helps me here. Long drives are a great way to interrupt my thought loops and bring myself back into the present. Sleep too. Stretching. Making lists and journaling by hand. Keeping the lights in my apartment very low.
In revising a piece, what do you look out for, and how did you handle the dread of not being heard or published when you started out as a fledging writer? — onyedikachi
In revising a piece, something I look out for is how to make what I’m saying more precise. My goal, usually, is to trim what the story doesn’t need and to concentrate more pointedly on what it does. Revision for me is about getting what I’ve written as close to what I can see as possible.
The dread of not being heard… Honestly? I don’t remember in detail how I dealt with that. But do you know this Anaïs Nin quote?: And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
It was something like that. I know I reached a point where it felt unbearable to not write, to not at least put some words out. I didn’t want the only reason I was not widely read in this life to be that I didn’t try, didn’t trust. I looked truthfully at the fact that I’d find it hard to forgive myself if I didn’t give my work a chance. One story after another, the people who found the words precious just continued to grow. And I think that gave me more courage.
How is your writing process like? — izogie
It varies really. It depends on what I’m writing. I write books on my laptop, and smaller bits on my phone. I don’t have an ideal time of day anymore. It used to be night. Now I just put words down whenever they come to me.
what was the process of learning to trust your mind/s like? — unsurveilled
Thorough. Lonely. Heavy sometimes. It’s a process I reinstate daily, but everytime it works, there’s a relief that washes over me.
Who do you look up to right now?
An element I look up to a lot right now is Water. Water is everything. Water contains healing and love and power and rage and terrifying muscles and peace and a heavy appetite and understanding and overwhelm and forgiveness and destruction and creation, and life, and the ability to cleanse. Water powers the body and powers the world. Water isn’t contradictory necessarily, water is full. Water doesn’t struggle with the word And. I’m trying to learn from that.
When is Necessary Fiction coming out?
Next year. I promise to share more about this soon.
Sticky Note:
To anyone struggling with an addiction of any kind — to work, a person/people, a piece of past, a slice of the future, a substance or many, know that I see you and I’m with you. I get it.
Today is a great day to try to start again.
The Trove:
This music film by Saana Moses (2017). Still.
This song and video by Lagbaja? Evergreen.
James Blake’s Assume Form album (2019). Because.
The Hynoptic Brass Ensemble make excellent music.
This live album by Raye with the Heritage Orchestra never leaves my mind.
Little Simz for Elle UK
Willow Smith for Allure (great profile and one of the best photoshoots I’ve seen for a cover story in a while) + her Tiny Desk, which is now one of my absolute favorites of all time.
Thank you for being here.
See you again soon with more,
Eloghosa xxxx
i was so happy to see this in my inbox 💜
Love you always 🩵