Last year, I made a short film with a team full of artists and stars. Getting to write, direct, edit, cast, produce + curate the music for this has been one of the greatest pleasures of my life so far.
I softdropped a trailer on Instagram yesterday and immediately had a panic attack, because sorry, what?! I’d been anxious (I actually went and made a film? Wtf?!) and so excited it was uncomfortable (I *finally* went and made a film!) The feedback I was most eager for was from the people I worked on this project with. It mattered to me that they felt the work they’d put in was worth it, because this film took a lot: people flew in from a different city for this, worked long hours on set, gave their best. I’m aware that this project is a miracle, and quite simply, I could not have done any of it without this gifted cast and crew, people whose work and lives have moved and changed me; who were patient and willing to give their best onscreen, behind camera, on set, in person, over distance; who were inspiring and electric, outstanding and striking; some who even pushed this work harder than I could, who said — even when we were tired — let’s try again. I’m deeply thankful. For the work, but also for the memories. For their talent, but also for the laughter. For the effort, for the love, for the new connections formed. For the trust. For the faith and investments. By nighttime, I’d received all sorts of moving messages from them and didn't even know what to do with myself. One of my favourites was a simple sentence: “thank you for taking care of our work.”
Here's a part of my journal entry last night:
I felt about a million shades of joy today, many of them new. It rained earlier and I stood in it for a bit. My day happened in pink light, in a cool room. I played the new playlist and it swam six hours in one lap. There’s been so much music in my life; I’ll never not be thankful for that. This evening, not long ago, I walked outside and there was a crescent moon and a few visible stars in the sky. Imagine. Made a great day even better. I’m writing this so I can remember this feeling — like little explosions of warmth, but also like a hundred tiny creatures stomping on my chest in some odd choreography. Committing to staying present has been interesting. Joy can be uncomfortable too, apparently. Not because it’s heavy but because it can be surprising/jarring, like a sharp bend in the road. I didn’t know that until recently.
I like how today felt. I like how now feels. This is my life. Imagine. This is my life. Sometimes that is so hard to wrap my head around. Funny because to some extent, everything I’ve done since I was I teenager has been because I knew this was possible, but actually being inside it feels different. To live in it is to glitch from time to time. I’m still that younger self who would have given anything for all this, so when I wake up in the present or snap back into this me, it feels more like an extended daydream than a real life; than a right-now. Every day in my life has the potential to be enchanting. Even through difficulty, through unease, through anxiety. That’s wild. I lost faith in organic joy at some point (because I gained a strong fear of organic pain and to escape one is to escape all), but it’s more durable than the synthetic kind, I’m finding. What a revelation. Also, thank you for exhaling when I told you to, E. You see your palms a lot more when you start letting go, and it turns out I quite like ours.
The other day, when we found out the meaning of [redacted - one of my other names] our life made even more sense. It feels good to notice what is happening in real time. The film is done. I’m happy. The trailer is out. I’m so moved. The film is out soon!!! I’m so changed by how surrounded by support we’ve been. It’s one thing to write a story. It’s quite another to bring that story to life with a great group of people and be met with not just willingness but unfading enthusiasm. I’m so humbled. I’m so proud. I’m so alive. I’m so here.
I think that explains how I feel better than anything else I could type.
TATAFO is an art, fashion and music film loosely based on VAGABONDS! There’s no official synopsis out right now (you’ll find out a lot more leading up to the film’s release) but all you need to know about the film is that it’s set in a shared world where anything can happen, where nothing cares about law or manners or what you grew up learning. It’s not shy of itself because there’s nothing to be shy about. Unconcerned with the past or future, this film is set in a parallel present; another now. If you’re curious about what the book sounds/feels/moves like? This is pretty much an answer to that. You can find the trailer on Instagram or Youtube. Please watch, share, and let us know what you think + follow @tatafothefilm on instagram.
Oh and also: watch this space for an update on VAGABONDS! later this week.
Thank you for being here,
Eloghosa